stimulants.co.uk

And all because of an ‘ooh’.

Do you understand now? You sick, ill, vile, evil perverts.

Written by a smack head SEX ADDICT.

Sorry, an ex-smack head SEX ADDICT.

The word “orgy” is undeniably an evocative one. It conjures up sumptuous images of delicate muslin drapes being teased by a breeze, Turkish music playing everywhere (in fact my whole orgy scenario seems to have been lifted pretty much wholesale from a Turkish Delight advert), nubile Nubian women entwined about each other like a Henry Moore statue, people decadently devouring grapes. I thought there’d probably be a sort of Swiss bloke with no irises or pupils in his eyes as well, just kind of staring. But what I got in a tower block in Hackney was people who looked like they were made out of Ready Brek, swathed in clingfilm, waddling back and forth with towels about their waists. And everywhere there was this intangible sadness, as if the orgy was being directed by Mike Leigh. I remember this woman came bustling out of a doorway when I first got there - she reminded me of my mum, which didn’t help - and said, “Just done my second . . . better go and rinse my mouth out.” Then a washing-machine repair man turned up - not as a guest, but to repair the washing-machine.

By Russel Brand. An excerpt from his book published in The Guardian.

called ‘No Rain’.

Almost as bad as this:

Christmas ruined.

We’re not even going to allow it to stream directly.

Don’t knock perfection Picard and don’t share stage presence with someone who even makes ASDA adverts worse than we thought possible.

Short Cuts - Manhunt 2 - LRB

Can only be a good thing. We commend John Lanchester for writing sensibly, respectfully, accurately, reasonably and thoughtfully. We think this makes a change.

Out of date now but still worth reading simply because it’s a thoroughly informative and pleasant article.

We will henceforth love everything John Lanchester has done and is doing always and forever.

An opportunity to see some naked people for free.

We went last year.

By accident.

It wasn’t quite what we were expecting. Mainly because most people were over 50, or under 50 and either overly proud about something we couldn’t work out, or just big boned. And by big boned we mean large framed. And by large framed we mean fat.

We like what Aleks is doing with her brain.

We can see the headlines already.

Gone are childhoods like ours where children used Lego for healthy creations like building space ships and bigger space ships and even bigger space ships.

Decent laser cannon. Unnecessary wheel. Glad to see our fears weren’t justified.

1. Hannah Montana’s Spotlight

Because it goes with our Hannah table cloth.

And our small paper Hannah cup.

And our collection of 16 Hannah napkins.

2. Hannah Montana’s Jam

Because it goes with our spotted dick and mince pies.

3. High School Musical

Because we’ve been asked to stop standing outside the gates one too many times.

And it goes with our bedroom.

And the moderate-to-good balancing. This is how she hits the high notes.

4. Princess: Enchanted Journey

Because of the possibilities.

And the nice beaver.

It must be great to work at Disney.

Again.

Not as many immediate references to bestiality this time though. We hope.

Probably a good thing.

We bet it will sell loads and be really popular.

Just like us.